Indwelt Women
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The Indwelt Women Podcast is for Christian women. Join us for short episodes every Wednesday on Christian living, Christian marriage, prayer, Christian theology. It also provides resources, tips, advice, tools, and encouragement grounded in the Bible.

#004: 10 Questions to Study Your Husband

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Today we're going to talk about something fun - we're going to talk about 10 questions you can use to study your husband.

Before we get into the 10 questions, let's talk about why it's important to study your husband. 

A short quick answer is that when you got married, your husband didn't come with a study manual.

But in all seriousness, we're called to love and respect our husbands, and how are we supposed to do that if we don't know our husbands?

You might be thinking, "what do you mean I don't know my husband? Of course, I know him. I married him!"

Yes, you know your husband in regards to the big core values that he believes in. You know that he likes to sleep on this side of the bed, you know that he likes his coffee this way.

What I'm talking about today is the little things that can change according to the seasons of life you're in; the little things that can change because of how he sees things differently now; how, because of the experiences that God has given him, it has changed his perspective in life. 

So these are the questions that would be good to ask your husband every year... maybe every couple years, because life has changed. 

So in that sense, when we know our husbands inside out according to the seasons of life we're in, we will be better equipped to love and respect our husbands.

I'm going to give you 10 questions you can ask your husband today, to study him, to get to know him better in this season of life so you can nurture your marriage, grow your marriage and love him better. 

Let's dig in.

By the way, this might be an episode that you want to pop your headphones in if you have little ones around you or you might wanna wait until nap time because there might be some material that you don't want little ears to hear.

Question #1: Have I been encouraging to you when you needed it the most? If so, what did I do? If not, what could I have done to lift you up?

Here's why this question is important: we each have our own ways of feeling loved and encouraged - that specific way may not be how our husbands feel encouraged.

A lot of times we do things to people that are natural to us.

What I mean by that is: if I feel encouraged by words, by words of affirmation, then it's really natural for me to write cards to other people, to write letters to other people or to send text messages of encouragement to other people.

The thing is if you apply that in your marriage, that may not be received as well as you intend it to be. Because your husband may not see words of affirmation as encouraging as you do. You know what I mean?

I'm not saying that words of affirmation are bad. I'm saying your husband may not find words of affirmation as encouraging as you do.

That is why I have this question for you: "Have I been encouraging to you when you needed it the most?" 

I want you to find what your husband finds the most encouraging because it might be different than what you find the most encouraging. You might think you've been encouraging your husband all this time, but he may not actually be receiving it as fully as you intend it to be.

And this is also a good time to figure out - if you don't know it yet - figure out your husband's love language. Because that is going to help you find out how you can love your husband better.

[Link: Love Language with Dr. Gary Chapman]

There's a quiz on their website; both you and your husband can take the quiz and find out your different love languages.

Because a lot of times you have different ones. For me, my top ones are quality time and physical touch. For my husband, it's words of affirmation and physical touch. So kinda the same but a little different. 

Question #2: What do you wish I would do more often? Pray for you? Pray with you? Speak the truth to you? 

This kind of goes along with what I just talked about with encouraging your husband. 

This will help us find out if what we've been doing hasn't been as effective as we want it to be.

This is also a good time to find out if we talk a little too much, or maybe we try to correct our husbands too much, maybe we try to fix the problem, fix our husbands, too much.

I also want to make a note: these questions are deep questions. They're not the every day "oh, how's the weather" kind of question. 

So before you ask your husband these questions, I want you to spend some time in prayer. I want you to ask God to prepare your heart because some of these questions facilitate such an open conversation you might hear something you didn't want to hear, you might find out something that makes you go, "Oh?! Is that what you think?!"

I don't want you to feel offended. I want you to go into the conversation with an open heart, with a heart that is humble, willing to learn and willing to change if that is what it calls for. So I just wanted to throw it out there.

Question #3: Is there anything you'd like our kitchen to have in stock at all times?

This is a fun question.

I'm sure you've heard of how people say "the stomach is the way to a man's heart" - I find that to be really true, having been married for five years.

So my husband does physical labor. A lot of times after a long day at work, it will be nice for him to come home and relax with a bottle of beer.

He's not saying he needs it in stock at all times. It would just be nice sometimes if he's had a long day, that he can just relax with a bottle of beer. 

This is a fun question to ask because a lot of times I am the one who goes grocery shopping, and you know, because I'm the one who goes grocery shopping, I'm getting what I like. A lot of times I forget about what he likes. 

So it's a good reminder to know what he wants, what he likes to have in the kitchen that he can just grab whenever he comes home from work.

Questions #4: Do I own any undergarments that you wish I'd get rid of?

 This is a fun one, I think, just to get a sense of what he likes and what he doesn't like when it comes to undergarments.

Because I'm pretty sure you want him to think you're sexy, right?

And sometimes we might be holding on to some undergarments that he doesn't find attractive.

So this question would be great for figuring out what he likes and what he doesn't like.

Questions #5: Are there any undergarments you wish I'd own or wear more often?

This is kind of the same with the previous question to figure out what he doesn't like that you already own and what he wants you to wear more often that you already own, or, something new that he wants you to have.

Question #6: What is important to you in creating a restful home? 

This question has been very beneficial to me when it comes to our home. 

Grant and I grew up in very different homes in a sense that his home was always very tidy and organized; and for me, uh, it was very... eclectic...? Haha. It was not tidy at all.

So even though our house now may not be super, super messy, in Grant's mind, it is messy because he grew up in a more tidy home. It may not even bother me at all because this is how I grew up.

But this is our home now. This is our new home after we have become one and so I want to create a home that Grant can come home to and relax. It'll be a safe haven for him.

One way to create that is to make it relaxing for him so that when he comes home, he can really take a breather, he can really breathe out, recharge and get ready for the next day.

So when you ask him, ask him what are the 3 most important requirements when it comes to creating a restful home.

This is also going to help you as a homemaker because you can get so overwhelmed by all the things you need to do to run a home, right?

But if you just focus on the top 3, especially for the days when you just can't get anything done, if you just do those 3 things, you know you've got your husband covered. 

He will at least find it somewhat relaxing because you've covered his 3 most important areas. 

For my household, the 3 most important areas are the kitchen sink, the dining table, and the bedroom. 

Those areas I try to keep clean, tidy and organized as much as possible especially right before my husband comes through the door. 

I have found this really helpful to me as a homemaker because I am not constantly overwhelmed by having every little corner of the house cleaned and tidy.

Question #7: Describe what hospitality look like to you

 This is an important question because you are two people living under the same roof; you're two people likely coming from different house/family environment growing up.

For myself, my home was a very much closed home. We almost never had any guests over.

But for Grant, his family had an open door policy. Anyone can just drop by. They always had lots of people over so he's totally used to that.

So when we first got married, we came to an agreement: Okay, how often are we going to have guests over. How often are we going to have people over for meals; how often are we gonna have game nights. 

Because what we don't want is for someone to not be comfortable with how often you have guests over and then get burned out. So this question would be great for you to find out what that rhythm looks like for your family based on your own personalities and how you grew up.

Also, keep in mind what Gospel community looks like to you. What does Gospel hospitality look like to you? 

God is very hospitable. He has a home - a room - for us in heaven.

So keep this mind and figure out how you can model after God and also stay true to how He's made you, how He's wired you so you don't get burned out, so you don't get a bad taste in your mouth about hospitality.

Question #8: Are you happy with our date nights lately?

Date nights involve two people. But sometimes it's easy to do things that just make one person happy and kind of neglect the other person.

This question would be a good reflection on how you guys are doing with date nights, to see if you tend to do things that only one person of the relationship likes.   

Question #9: Do you want to share the duty of planning date nights?

This is an area I need to improve upon because I get the false sense that because he's the guy he needs to do all the planning for date nights. That is wrong. That can put a lot of pressure on him.

Just because he's the leader doesn't mean that he has to do all the planning.

As a wife, I can help share the load if I help plan date nights sometimes.

Question #10: How can I be praying for you right now?

 As hard as it is for us to accept it, we are selfish people. 

We do think about ourselves more than we think about others.

This question will help us put our focus back on God and put our spouses above ourselves.

This will help us focus on how we can serve our husbands better, how we can love on them better, how we can respect them better. 

So I really encourage you to ask him right now. Text him, call him, whatever.

Ask him the question "how can I be praying for you right now?".

Spend a couple minutes in prayer.

I encourage you to do this regularly, maybe once a day, that would be perfect haha! Maybe once a week. Make it a regular part of your life. This is going to bless your marriage a lot.

You, as his wife, are very powerful; when you lift him up in prayers, it makes the prayer even more powerful. So, go ask him, right now.

These are the 10 questions you can ask your husband to study him today. But, hey, if you want to study your husband even more, why stop there, right?

I have a resource for you that is FREE, that you can download, you can print it off. So that you can keep asking your husband questions to grow your marriage, to nurture your marriage.

These questions would be great for date nights, too, because these will open up honest and deeper conversations than just "how's your day?" "good."

They are also great for when you're driving to visit your in-laws. I did that with Grant a couple times. We had a 2-hour conversation and it was wonderful. I want you to have that kind of conversation with your husband, too, so download it right here with the link below.

Download your FREE 56 questions to study your husband here.

Podcast music: Sunny Holidays & Summertime by Nicolai Heidlas