#014: Your Husband's Deeper Need Behind Bedroom Fun

#014: Your Husband's Deeper Need Behind Bedroom Fun

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The media portrays men as sexual animals out looking for fun.
But there's actually something much deeper than that and if we don't realize that we might even be harming our marriages without knowing it.

Ladies, do you long for that deep emotional connection with your husbands?
You wanna talk to him for hours; you want to share your heart with him and him with you.
You feel so loved when you have that emotional connection.

Well, that longing you have for emotional connection? That is how your husband desires sexual intimacy with you. Not just because it's fun, but because he feels respected this way.

In the book Love & Respect, Dr. Eggerichs explained how men feel respected through intimacy:

Sex is symbolic of his deeper need - respect.
By way of analogy, a wife needs emotional release through talking.
When that need is met, she feels loved.
When a man refuses to talk, that symbolizes to her that he does not love her or care about her need.
A husband has a need for physical release through sexual intimacy.
When a wife refuses, that symbolizes to him that she does not care about him and does not respect him and his need.
— Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Your husband's need for intimacy is not just for fun. It fulfills the deeper need he's wired for - respect.

Respect is a Verb

Before reading this book, I thought respect was just a feeling or a thought you have.
Do I respect my husband? He's a hard-worker, a natural leader - of course, I respect him!

But Scripture says, "Let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Ephesians 5:33)

We can't just keep respect in our minds. God has asked us to SHOW our husbands respect.
As Dr. Eggerichs has pointed out, respect can be shown in the bedroom.
As wives, we have a choice whether or not we honor that.

Rejection, Rejection, Rejection

Have you seen Inside Out? I was watching it with my family the other day and there was this short clip after the movie had ended.

In the clip, it showed Riley's parents sharing a kiss.
Inside the dad's head, the emotions were excited about this affectionate contact and were anticipating more to come out of it.
However, inside the mom's head, the emotions, even though they took a moment to appreciate this kiss, they were satisfied with just the kiss and quickly moved on to other things.

This clip made me sad because this is not uncommon for marriages nowadays.

Having been together for at least 12 years, Riley's mom had got to know what the dad wanted.
But she ignored his needs and moved on to other things without even giving it a second thought!

So my question is: are we like Riley's mom sometimes?

Do we neglect your husband's needs for intimacy because we have "better" things to do? Because we're too tired? Because we don't "feel" like it?

In Dr. Eggerichs' book, he goes on to say:

A wife also needs to think about how unfair it is to say to her husband, “Have eyes only for me,” and continually turn him down when he approaches her sexually. As a wife, you spell respect to your husband when you appreciate his sexual desire for you.
— Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

When you fulfill your husband's needs for intimacy, you are also playing a major role in helping him resist temptations. 

The Scripture says this about the wife's part in sexual intimacy:

For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
— 1 Corinthians 7:4-5

Wives, please do not deprive your husband.
Love him sacrificially by fulfilling his sexual desire.
I know it is not easy.
The struggle is real when you're just dead tired at the end of the day; when you feel like you will explode if another person touches you one more time.

But you are called to show respect to your husband. One really practical and effective way is by pleasing him in the bedroom.

Disclaimer: this call to fulfill his need for intimacy does NOT give him permission to sexually abuse you. Sexual abuse is a sin and should not be tolerated. If you are experiencing sexual abuse, please seek help from your church leaders.

It's a Two-Way Street

Some of you may be thinking, "Maggie, you have no idea what my husband is like. He doesn't show love to me so why would I give him what he wants?"

You're right in saying that I don't know your situation. I don't know what your relationship has been like but I do know no one will win if you keep this mentality.
You both don't get what you want, you both lose.
This will put your marriage at a dangerous spot.

Your call of duty is to meet his sexual needs to show him respect and, through giving him sexual release, you are helping him significantly in resisting sexual temptations. 

By meeting his needs, you might even start a chain reaction:

You pleasing him in the bedroom, motivating him to show you love more;
you feeling more loved and therefore less likely to turn him down when he initiates in the bedroom.
Him being even more satisfied, shows you love outside of the bedroom.
And the cycle goes on and on.

Friend, your husband does not initiate simply because it's fun, there's so much more going on deep down in his soul. Will you be a wife who loves your husband with your heart and body? Will you show him respect through sexual intimacy?

For practical ideas on how to pursue your husband in the bedroom, check out this post here.

Are you thirsty to learn more about being a godly wife? Learn from the Scripture with our FREE mini Bible study: The Noble Wife Bible Study!

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