#015: 8 Ways to Pursue Your Husband in the Bedroom

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Men like sex.
I'm not stereotyping them. It's how they're wired.
(If you want to read more into this subject, I recommend For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. It helped me understand how Grant is wired.)
So if you want to pursue your husband, you can't neglect his needs in the bedroom.

PS I talked about the deeper reason why your husband craves sexual intimacy with you in the last episode, listen/read here.

Why is it important to pursue your husband in the bedroom?

1) To Protect Your Husband from Falling into Temptations

Sexual sin goes from committing adultery to having sexual thoughts about someone you're not married to. While committing sexual sins (like all sins) is one's choice and thus it is his/her responsibility, you as a wife can help your husband tremendously from falling into temptation.
For my own marriage, Grant has told me that if we've been so busy we haven't been intimate for a certain amount of time, while he hasn't fallen into sin (thank God, seriously), he does notice the temptations around him more. When a man is satisfied from within his marriage, his eyes are less likely to wander looking for a way to satisfy his hunger outside of his marriage.

Disclaimer: I've said this before but I will say it again: it is ultimately your husband's responsibility to resist temptation. It is not your job to keep him from falling into sin, however, you can help him significantly in his resistance. You can help him stand even stronger in the face of temptations. 

So I encourage you to have an honest discussion with your husband about this. The goal of the conversation is to find out how you as his wife can help protect him from temptations. Be openhearted and ask for God to prepare your heart. Ask him questions like:

- Has there been a time when you feel more vulnerable to sexual temptations? Why?
- What can I do to help you resist the devil in this are?
- Are you satisfied with the frequency of sex? Do you want more?
- What makes you happy in the bedroom?
- What turns you on? What turns you off?


2) To Protect Your Marriage

Protecting your husband from falling into temptations can protect your marriage. In addition, it protects your marriage by maintaining your oneness.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
— Genesis 2:24

As soon as you both say "I do", you are ONE.
Your oneness in marriage can be manifested in different ways, one of which is sexual intimacy.
Sexual intimacy strengthens the bond you have as one unit; it builds a hedge up against outside threats.

This "hedge" takes regular upkeep, otherwise it will become weak and lose its protection.
How does your hedge look like? Has it been neglected? Or is it nice and strong?
Can you do a mental count of how many times you have been intimate the last month?
Can you say with confidence that your hedge is strong?

8 Ways to Pursue Your Husband in the Bedroom

I know that you're dead tired after pouring everything out during the day. But you might be surprised there are little things you can do that will bring sexy back.

Undergarment Audit - conduct a quick undergarment audit. Throw away bras or underwear that are old or have holes in them. Ditch the ones that the wires are poking out or the elastics have loosened. Then, ask your husband what kind of underwear he likes to see you in and go buy those.

Put That Lingerie On - most men are visually-charged. Putting a lingerie on will heat up the room quickly. (A word of caution: if you purchase lingerie online, make sure they don't mail you catalogs. This will protect your husband from looking at things he'd rather not see.)

Ditch the PJs - let's be honest - is there really a need for pajamas in the marriage bed? If you don't have kids, take advantage of this alone space you have and sleep in your birthday suit. This can be hard to do if you have kids who like to sneak into the bed with you. BUT, can you keep your sleepwear as minimalist as possible?

Play A Sexy Game - play a quick game that heat things up. Is there a quick video game you can both play? Whoever loses will take a piece of clothing off. Or you can play 20 questions - whoever loses will also take some clothes off. Dating Divas has some saucy ideas.

Create One-on-One Opportunities - can you arrange a surprise in-home date night? Or perhaps a one-night staycation at a nearby hotel? Or, if you stay at home, maybe your husband can come home for lunch when all the kids are in school or napping? Keep your eyes out and look for ways to spend time alone with your husband.

Afternoon Pick-Me-Up - Do you need to freshen up your hair? Do you need some energy bars to keep that energy up? Or maybe you need 10 minutes soaking in a bubble bath to recharge physically and mentally. Figure out what you need to feel rejuvenated and ready to connect with your husband, and go do it. If you need his help to make it happen, talk to him, ask him for help. When he understands your motives (or what it could lead to), I'm sure he'd be glad to help you.

Love Him Outside of the Bedroom - some of the quickest ways to turn your husband on are done outside of the bedroom. Love him through his love language, show him respect, speak encouragement into his life, ditch the nagging, etc. When you love him well outside of the bedroom, the sparks inside the bedroom will shine even brighter.

Ask Him - At the end of the day, you don't know what truly turns him on until you ask him. I encourage you to ask him using the questions I mentioned earlier in this post. Or, download a free copy of Nurture Your Marriage: 56 Meaningful Questions to Ask Your Husband. It facilitates an open conversation with your husband about various topics, one of which is sexual intimacy. Many wives, whether they are newlyweds or have been married for 10+ years, have benefited from this free resource.