#011: Communication Tips for Grace-Filled Women: How to Speak in Grace and Truth as a Wife and Mom

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Maggie: Hey, hey, welcome back to the Indwelt Women Podcast. This is Maggie Baker. Today we have a very special guest with us and she is going to teach us all things communications related.

She is the gal behind talktoamber.com; she is a LA-based communication expert, public speaking coach, and an award-winning adjunct professor in communication studies. She works with entrepreneurs and digital influencers, she teaches them how to say the words well both on and off the stage. She's an authority on interpersonal communication and relationships, she's been featured in or mentioned on sites like Forbes, Mashable,  FastCompany, Black Enterprise and She Knows Media. She has a book that just got released actually and it's called Can We Talk? 10 Life Lessons on Finding Your Voice and Finding Yourself. It's available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.com

Without further ado, let's welcome Miss Amber.

Amber: Hi!

Maggie: I'm so excited you're here with us today. Thank you so much for taking time out of your schedule to chat with me.

Amber: It's my pleasure, I'm excited to be here.

Maggie: For those of us that may not be familiar with you, can you take a few minutes and introduce yourself?

Amber: Sure and thanks for reading my bio. It's nice to hear about yourself in that way. I am everything that you said, really I'm just a person who's really good with words and I manage to build a career around that use of words. Primarily I work with my clients to help them tell their story and turn it into a signature talk so when they're doing presentations and speaking engagements they have it organized in a way that is clear and effective and also really engaging. I'm also a writer like you mention; I recently published my first book but I also write in my business as well. I write bios for my clients, helping them tell their story in an organized way because I have a lot of writer friends and we all say it's so easy to write about other people but it's so hard to write for yourself. So that's what I do and I really really love it.

Maggie: And I know that you have two beautiful little girls.

Amber: I do! They are six and almost 2 so there is never a dull moment over here.

Maggie: Haha, I'm sure! So what inspired you to become a communication expert?

Amber: I would say that my life is one of the examples of your gift choosing you. People say that my passion and my purpose are in alignment with my profession and I think that that's all we're kind of aiming for. That's what happened to me when I was in college. I took a communications class and my professor was like, "Amber, you're really good at this. Have you ever thought about a major in the communication studies? I think that you should try it out!"

And so I did that and I thought, "wow, this is meant for me!" So I've kinda just been working on building a career around that - I have a Masters in communication studies and I decided to start my business as a coach because I recognized that with this online boom of business - there's been such a huge surge of entrepreneurship in the last few years, they're getting more visibility and speaking engagements and things that they would have to present themselves to the media and they just don't know where to go to get help and I just kinda signed up to fill that space.

Maggie: Totally! And that is the reason why I was drawn to you - I found you on Periscope about two years ago. The way that you communicated, I was like, "oh my gosh, she's so good!"

Amber: Thank you! :)

Maggie: So, in your opinion, why is authentic communication so important, especially for married couples or even moms?

Amber: I think it's a struggle for a lot of people because honestly many people are not really taught how to communicate when you think about it when you really think that. We don't ever get any kind of training on how to communicate effectively so what ends up happening is we just repeat what we see in our parents or whoever raised us. I don't know if you've read it but there's a book called The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.

Maggie: Yes! I got rid of bags and bags of clothes!

Amber: She said that it's the same thing - people don't teach you necessarily how to clean effectively and how to not hold on to things and so I think that communication is the same way. The reason why we end up struggling with it is because many times we don't have the skills or the tools to understand how to communicate effectively and, more than anything, across-the-board we're afraid of being vulnerable. That's scary for a lot of people; it's hard to say, "hey, that really hurt my feeling," or "I'm upset that you did that", because vulnerability makes people uncomfortable.

Maggie: Totally. In addition to that, what other common weaknesses do you see in women's communications?

Amber: I think a lot of women tend to doubt themselves; they tend to shrink themselves. We literally do that, we shrink in the presence of people who we perceive to be more powerful and for people that we may be intimidated by or we might be in environments where we don't feel like our voice needs to be heard so we won't say anything to them. And I think we also apologize a lot. We're like, "I'm sorry" "Ooh, oops, I'm sorry" all the time. I do that with my students because that's when I try to catch them. I teach courses in public speaking and in interpersonal communications and whenever I see it in the students I always call it out.

Because it could be something that she may not even realize that she's doing. They're like, "oh, I'm sorry, Miss Amber." And so I go, "what are you sorry about?" Just by asking the question, they're like, "I don't know."

Maggie: So what are some tips that you have to overcome these weaknesses?

Amber: I think, gosh, there are so many different circumstances where something like that could play out, so any kind of advice is contextual. But across-the-board, if you're someone who struggles with communications or if you are a shrinker or a I'm-sorry-er, I think it's important to become aware of those behaviors, to stop and think about why you're doing them.

I ask my students all the time; I ask them why did you just say I'm sorry to me and then they're like, "you know what, I don't know. I didn't really stop to think about it."Once we do that there's just a sense of awareness that kinda comes over us. That is what encourages us to modify the behavior once we become aware of it. I think the biggest piece of advice is just also knowing that your voice deserves to be heard but no one can hear it if you have it on mute all the time. That's the purpose of my book - it's about finding your inner voice. And by inner voice, I don't mean inner critic. I don't mean you can say whatever you want to say.

It's really about knowing what your heart wants to say and then giving your brain and your mouth even time to kinda catch up. What you say is the only thing that we can control so I think it's worth it to kinda take the time to think about what you want to say and deliver it in a way that it could best be received.

Maggie: That is an area I struggle with. A lot of times I have a hard time just telling people what I want, telling people what I think or what I feel. I'll just be like, "it doesn't matter. It's okay. I'll just shrug it off."

Amber: So can I ask you why do you feel that? Not to put you on the spot.

Maggie: Haha, well. I don't want to be a burden to people; I don't want to cause trouble. I don't want to seem like I am high maintenance and so yeah that's why I don't want to voice my feelings or opinions sometimes.

Amber: And I think that's the biggest enemy of our fear of communication, whether it be public speaking or just interpersonal communication. It's the fear of judgment. If you ask people why they are afraid to speak in public and really it all just comes back to "I don't want to be judged." If I stand up in front of you, whether it's a group of two people or 200, that means that I'm willingly allowing myself to be judged by you.

Because then in your mind you're like wel they're judging what I sound like or what my hair looks like. We kinda get into all of these things and we set this trap up for ourselves before we even stand up to say anything. We say that we don't like public speaking, but really, you're just afraid of being judged. My goal as a public speaking coach is to help people find out more freedom and confidence in that regard.

Maggie: Totally. And a lot of times it's all in our head. People aren't really thinking about what you look like. You're just self-conscious about it.

Amber: Exactly.

Maggie: A lot of our listeners are wives and mom so what are some rules of thumb when it comes to communication for wives and moms? I know that's a broad question.

Amber: Wel, I think relationally with your partner, it's important for you to say what you mean and by that I mean don't dance around. I think we do a lot of dancing. I'll share a story as an example: my husband and I, we celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary on Friday.

Maggie: Oh, congratulations!

Amber: Thank you! This is my year to plan; we alternate every year. We went to an amusement park out here in Southern California. It's not Disneyland because it's too expensive. So he gets the map and we're walking around. One of my favorite rides is called the Supreme Scream. It's a ride where you go up and then they drop it down - it's really absurd. So I said oh I want to go on Supreme Scream. We were walking by it but he's like oh well let's get on this ride over there first and I said but why because it's right here. He goes, I just think we should just go and then we can come back and I'm like why would we backtrack it's right here?! So then I'm realizing he doesn't want to get on Supreme Scream.

I said okay let's go over there and then we can come back and he said okay. So we go on the ride that he wants to go on, we get off the ride and I'm walking back in the direction of Supreme Scream. He said where are you going? And I said I'm going back to Supreme Scream like we talked about. I was like if you don't want to get on Supreme Scream, you don't have to. How about you go back and get on that ride again that we just got off so then you're not waiting for me. The park was not packed at all; there were no lines. So I said, get back on that ride again while I go get on my ride. He's like okay, okay, yeah, I'm gonna do that.

When we get back together, I said, why didn't you just tell me you didn't want to get on the ride? He's like, I don't know. Yeah. I should have just told you.

That's what I mean by saying what you mean. We wasted a good solid seven minutes about what ride to get on but we wouldn't have if we didn't dance around. So my advice to your listeners is to really think about what you want to say, and think about what is your intention. Second to that is what is your goal with what you're about to say - is it to lift this person up? Is it to make them feel bad? Is it to hurt their feelings? Is it to manipulate them emotionally? To make them feel guilty? What is it? And I think sometimes when we learn to check our intentions, we have a better time communicating with their partners that's for sure. What do you think about that?

Maggie: When you said dance around, I was like "guilty!" This past week we've been working on some kitchen renovation and my husband was very ambitious. He had a lot planned; he was very excited about it and I was thinking, before everything started, "that is really ambitious... are you sure?! I don't think this is gonna go well." I kinda danced around with it and said, "that's really ambitious." But I never said "you might want to re-think that plan." And so that led to a lot of frustration and bitterness on my part - which is something I need to confess to him about - but yeah I should've just be upfront and honest instead of dancing around and thinking that he's gonna get it. Because he obviously didn't.

Amber: Right and that's it - you said the word "resentment" and "frustration", so much of that happens when we're not willing to confront some of the difficult. I always say that life is comprised of difficult and delicious conversations.

We only want to feed off of the delicious ones and avoid the difficult ones, not realizing that sometimes what's difficult can be made delicious. We have to figure out how to get to that point, so in that type of circumstance, talking about it when he doesn't have a hammer in his hand, ask, "Talk to me about your plans for this project."

 Sometimes, especially when you've been married for a while, you can kinda tell when your partner is being shady. I call it finessing. There's a way that you can finesse things to have a conversation.

I have another example: while we were at the amusement park after the whole Supreme Scream fiasco; while we were having lunch, something I had been on my mind concerning my husband and his mom, I really wanted to talk to him about. And so I chose that time because  we ended up talking about his mom. I said, I've been meaning to ask you something about your mom. It was actually kind of serious. I was like, sometimes the way that you engage with her, I think you could be a little bit softer around her. I think you're too hard on her for no reason. My husband is an only child so their relationship is really unique. And we had a really good conversation about that and we were able to just talk about it because it wasn't in a moment where she had just left or we've just gone to her house or something had just happened and we were right in the middle of it. It was at a time when we weren't even really thinking about her but we were both in really good spirits and this came up and we were able to have a really good conversation about it. So, time, place and manner, I think, are important.

Maggie: Yeah, that is so true. Like you said, when we're in good spirits, we communicate a lot better and our conversation will have a lot better outcome. So what about moms? When it comes to communicating with their children, what are some rules of thumb? What are some things they have to be cautious of?

Amber: Well, that is a little tricky because I know dealing with children is like a whole other ball game. I'm still learning - I've only been a mom for six years.

Maggie: We're all learning.

Amber: Right. My approach to communicating with my girls is doing my best to meet them on their level because I think sometimes we expect kids to be grown-ups. Especially when they can talk and articulate themselves and they have ideas and suggestions. And then we start to be like, "oh, you're a person!" One thing that I've learned as a mom is that I'm the one that has to be in control my emotions. My kids cannot - they just do not have the capacity - they should not have the capacity or the power to drive you over the edge

Now to me that doesn't mean that we can't get frustrated sometimes; or that we don't even get angry sometimes. But I have learned that I'm the one with the greater capacity to deal with my emotions and when it comes to children they're just navigating their way through life and we're here to be their guies and so knowing that some things are just inherently things that kids do. I just try to be very patient with my girls. 

I never baby talk my children; we talk to them directly and clearly and honestly. Those things have worked well for us as parents and I think what also works is us allowing them to feel validated in our home because I grew up in that mindset of a home life where kids are to be seen and not to be heard. But my husband and I have made an effort to allow, especially our oldest one because she can talk the most, to allow her to feel heard because I feel like if I want to raise her to be a strong communicator then not only do I have to model that but then I also have to set the stage for her to express herself. You know I'm storytellers so I have an example:

When she was four - almost 5 - she came to us and she said she didn't want to take a nap and we were like okay why don't you want to go to sleep. She said I'm not tired mommy; my husband heard that and he was like oh, no, you're going to take your nap. 

And I said, "actually, why don't we hear her out." so I asked her, "Sweetheart, why don't you want to take a nap?" she said, "because when I take a nap at school I never close my eyes. I just lay there."

I really think she's not tired. To me it means she must be growing out of it. So I said, "okay, if you don't feel tired today, you don't have to take a nap but mommy and daddy always have the final decision but if you don't feel like you need to then you just let us know and we won't make you today. She said okay and so she didn't take a nap and she never took one again at school.

Instead of forcing her to lay down because I'm sure you know naptime is really for us. We really want the time to take a shower or work or whatever the case is. But if I didn't take a moment to hear out my four, almost five-year-old, then I would've missed the cue. So for us it is creating an environment where she can express herself because if I don't allow for that at five years old, she may not know how to express if somebody at school is bothering her.

Maggie: Yeah, totally. We need to be able to communicate with our children at a young age about the little things so that you can communicate about the bigger things when they're older. And what I have learned - and maybe it's because I came from a different culture where elders have the authority of the home. So my parents never said they're sorry to me; they never apologized and it's something that I have to be cautious of as I am parenting my little boys.

I have to lay down my pride; I have to be humble and just admit it when I've blown it. I have to apologize to them so that they can see that humility modeled in me and also so that they will know how to be humble.

Amber: Yeah, that some cultural influencers really play a big role and you have to be so intentional about saying, like, okay I'm gonna take what I did or did not like about the way that I was raised and modify it and that is a lot of work because sometimes you don't realize how much of your parents are in you and ingrained in you.

Maggie: I want to get into the practical stuff, because a lot of times I feel like we know what we should say but we don't really know exactly how to say it so I would love to learn from you so that when we're in different situations we can have a better idea of what to say.

As wives, we are called to show respect to our husbands and one way to do that is by encouraging them and affirming them, but for someone like me, I am not good at giving words of affirmation so I would love some examples from you. Let's say my husband has been really proactive and sharing the chores around the house. So what should I say to encourage him?

Amber: A simple thank you. This is gonna come out a little bit harsher than I mean it but sometimes we treat our husbands like children. If your partner is doing something that you really like - here, I have an example - a couple years ago we had this huge discussion about nudity because my daughter was getting bigger and I didn't feel that he should walk around naked. When my husband is getting out of the shower he goes into the laundry room and the girls' room is right off to the side. So I told him, "you need to be a little more mindful of that because she's getting older." He didn't get it at first so I said, "yeah, until she goes to school and she's like yeah I saw my daddy naked." You should wear a towel or whatever after the shower.

Just this morning he got out of the shower and she called for him and he made sure to wrap his towel around his waist when he went into the room and talked to her. When he came back, I said to him, "thank you for remembering to cover up before you went in there."

Maggie: Yeah a lot times we take our husbands' help for granted but yeah a simple thank you will do so much good.

Amber: yeah, to me I think by keeping it simple in that regard that just to let him know that you see him doing the work or you see him making the effort and that just feels good so it doesn't have to be complicated like, thank you for taking out the trash, you carried that bag so good.

A simple "I noticed you got the trash out today, I wanted to make sure that I say thank you. I really appreciate your help."

Maggie: I love it. It is so simple and straightforward and boom.

Amber: Yeah, again, no dancing, right? We make things harder than they really need to be, but really we just have to remember his manners, even when you are married for years.

Maggie: So, conflicts are for sure to happen in a marriage because we have two sinners. So the question is how should we handle it, how should we manage it as a married couple. What advice do you have for when conflicts happen?

Amber: I do think that it is a mutual thing and I think it's important to know what your conflict style is first. That's one of those tools that we may not necessarily know where to go to learn and understand what a conflict style is.

There are 5 conflict styles. The first one is no way - sometimes we accommodate the other person to where it's only ever what the other person wants. Sometimes it's a confrontation so where it's aggression: "I want my way and you'll just have to deal with that."

I'm gonna go down this hole here because I do think that it's important: the other one is competing.

So let's start from the top:
1) Accommodating - it's always about the other person
2) Competing -  it's only about you; "someone's gonna lose, it is probably gonna be you,  because I'm gonna force my way into making this what I want it to be.
3) Avoiding - we don't say anything at all; it's the "I'm fine" but you're not really fine
4) Compromising - meeting in the middle
5) Collaborating - it's the most ideal and that's where we both make a concerted effort to present a win-win outcome.

Knowing how we approach conflict, I think, is the first step. We both are going to have our own way of dealing with things, some of the practices may not be healthy, a lot of them we picked up from our parents or whoever that raised us and so now we're in this marriage and it's really really hard to undo the way that you've been doing this one thing your whole life. And so it takes a lot of work to say okay how are we gonna resolve this. and what I tell people when it comes to resolving conflict is you gotta own whatever the problem is. If you have a problem with someone, it's your problem. and you have to own that.

So instead of secretly going "he should know that I'm upset; I know he saw me slam that cabinet. I'm not answering his phone call."

Girl, your husband is not a mind-reader and he probably can pick up on all those things but it's your responsibility to say, "hey, I need to talk to you about ______."

Now, for some that's like a death sentence "we need to talk"; but it's important for us to first own whatever the issue is so then that way we can address it head-on. Once you've identified and you own whatever the issue is, then you make a time to discuss it and say, "hey, babe, when you get home from work today, I'd like for us to talk for maybe about 30 minutes after the kids go to bed."

Let's go back to the ride. Let's say it was a really big issue for me and I was upset that we did not get on Supreme Scream. And so let's pretend I didn't say anything; I didn't speak up in that moment and then I let him trick me out of not going. So now for the rest of the day we kinda go about the afternoon but I'm secretly upset because I really wanted to get on that ride but I was mad that he did all this dancing around it and I didn't really get into myself so now we're home and I'm just mad about that. It bothered me. I'm going to talk to him about that. So we set up this time and we sit down and how I'm gonna handle that is this:

"You know, I had so much fun with you today, babe, but I really wanted to point out to you that it didn't make me feel good when you overlooked that I wanted to go on this particular ride even though you didn't. I really would've liked it if you had offered for me to get on the ride or we could've gotten on it separately, or maybe you could've waited for me, but I felt like by you overlooking it, it made it seem like you weren't invested in me having a good time as I was in for the both of us to enjoy ourselves."

So what that does is it's less accusatory and it's less inflammatory.

Because on the other end I could have been like, "You don't care about me. I can't believe it; it's on our anniversary and I wanted to go on this ride and you didn't and then you try to talk me out of it and you acted like I didn't..."

so then it's like you, you, you; the tone is different. I'm pointing; I'm angry; I'm shooting all these darts as opposed to saying "this is how you made me feel and I wanted to bring it to your attention."

Maggie: So my next question is: some of us may not be in such a good marriage season where the husbands are open to communicating; they may actually have shut down communication. So what encouragement do you have for wives who are in those situations?

Amber: Well, I think we've been there after 11 years. If you're in the season where you are not on the same page and there is a lot of conflicts and hurt feelings, resentment from things that have built up, you have to look at the big picture because I think sometimes as wives we do a lot of pointing and not a lot of mirror-looking.

"I can't believe him"
"He didn't do this and that"

So I'm like, " girl, what are you doing?"

Because I'm sure he probably has his own list of complaints too. So I think we should check ourselves in that way; it helps to bring the tone down a little bit. Now you might be in a circumstance where your husband is at fault for a lot of the things in your marriage, or maybe you're just in a situation where you're not on the same page - so much of that is circumstancial and contextual -  but I think a piece of advice is the only thing that we can control in this world is what we say.

That's it. We can't control the weather. We can't control what's gonna happen at school with your kids. There's nothing you can control - you can't even control how your partner is going to respond to the things that you say because I hear a lot of people say, "I'm the one that's trying and I'm making all the effort; he's just unresponsive."

Okay, what does that have to do with you though?

For example, my husband and I were going through a really rough time. We went to therapy once. He didn't despise it; he went and we went for a set amount of time and then some years have passed that I kind of thought we should go back. And he wasn't ready, he's like "I don't really want to do that."

I said, "okay, well then, just know I'm gonna go for myself."

Because I needed an outlet to help me deal with some things that are going on with us as a couple and then also with me as an individual. And he totally understood that and so I went and that helped me, that one action, helped me more effectively to be able to deal with the problems that we were having at that time.

So that was me just kinda taking ownership of my energy and my contribution to our marriage positive and negative and finding a place to work through them without making it all fall on his shoulders.

There was a shift in our marriage as a result of that. Once we sign up for this, we're signed up for life! That's the deal.

I've had friends who would come to me and they've experienced a lot of conflict in their marriage or they're having a really tough time with their husbands. They're kind of going off, so I come right out the gate and say "do you want a divorce?"

And then she's like, "oh, no, of course not."

Okay, so then what are we gonna do? Let's work backward from there - if you don't want a divorce, what are you going to do to keep your marriage intact? Having that kind of perspective, I think everything is not as big of an emergency as you think it is. And then it just brings it down a little bit to say alright what am I going to do to keep this intact. What can we do as a couple to make sure that we both stay equally invested in this marriage. so come to be the big thing especially marriage and you know but so I think just kinda remembering your commitment and working backwards from there owning whatever the issue is being willing to work on it buyers

Conflict is a big thing,  especially in marriage. but I think just kinda remembering your commitment and working backwards from there, owning whatever the issue is being wil,ling to work on it because I'm that kind of person before I walk away from any person in your relationship I always I want to be able to walk away knowing that I did everything I could in my power to make it better. If I haven't done everything quite yet, I still have work to do.

Maggie: Yeah, it's so easy for us to point fingers when we're in a marriage and when we can see the faults and the sins in the other person but it takes two to tango. We probably have done something, even if we don't realize it, that contributed to the problem.

Amber: We do a lot a lot a lot a lot of finger-pointing!

Maggie: Let's switch gears a little bit and talk about communications with our parents or in-laws. A lot of us have a struggle when it comes to setting boundaries with them and I have a couple of scenarios here: so let's say in-laws come to give you advice without permission they go, "Amber, I suggest you give the baby a sippy cup instead of a bottle. Bottles are not good for their teeth." When they come to you with unwanted advice, how do you handle it with as much grace as possible but also setting the healthy boundaries?

Amber: I think, you know, I'll say, "thank you for your feedback. I appreciate that information and actually I'll even look into it, but for now we're gonna go ahead and skip the bottle."

I'm gonna say it's harder for me because I have a really great relationship with my mother-in-law, but we did have our moments and especially because when I had my daughter we lived with her. My husband lost his job during the recession. We got married and we had our own place and lived there for three years and he lost his job and so we moved in with his mom. When I had the baby, she said we should make the baby's food; they have this thing called a Baby Bullet; it's amazing you can just make the baby's food. She's like, "That's what I did for him."

What my mama did for me was Gerber; I'm a Gerber baby. I ate baby food out of a jar. She kind of pushed for it but I was very clear in saying "I'm not ready to do that yet" and so she kinda took a step back. So that was me just voicing what I felt was important to me without me saying, "she's my baby, back up!" It doesn't have to be that way.

And then I went away when my sister had my niece. My daughter was six months old when I flew out to be with my sister in Texas. When I came back, she had bought the Baby Bullet and it was in the kitchen and I couldn't; I was so angry.

But then I thought, is that really that horrible of a suggestion? Am I really going to be angry with her over this? So that helped me calm down a little bit because I didn't like that she did it while I was gone but that's really my issue. It wasn't about the baby. Remember how we talked about identifying the problem? So I talked to her about it and I was able to address the issue. I said to her, "it didn't make me feel comfortable and I didn't like it that it seemed like you waited until I left to go buy something that I told you I wasn't really comfortable with."

And she knew it. She's like, "I know that it can look that way," she was like, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to pressure you. I just think that it would be a really good idea. And I would love to do it; I'll make the food so that way you don't have to feel that it's an extra thing with you."

I said, "I understand that and I appreciate your concern with these types of things. I really would rather you just let me take the lead instead of you kinda forcing things down on my plate. You have to remember you've done this before; I'm a first-time mom, so I'm still finding my way and it's really hard for me to catch up if you're already 10 steps ahead of me."

I'm not averse to organic baby food  of course, I think that's a great thing but it does have to be a decision that I feel comfortable making for the baby.

She understood and we didn't stop using it and it was one of the best things! To this day my daughter loves vegetables and fruit but it warranted us having that conversation, again knowing that what I had to say was worthwhile and I needed to speak up if I feel like a line was being crossed but without having to shoot darts at her because I feel like she's trying to compete with you.

You can speak up for yourself and establish your boundaries without it being so aggressive all the time.

Maggie: Yeah! It's so easy to get offensive or defensive whenever I'm given unwanted advice or whatever but, what I've learned for me is to say "thank you for the advice" first and I just to try to see it from their perspective - what they're trying to do - then I can see the good intentions.  Thank you, Amber, that was very insightful.

Now, tell me a little bit more about your book. I know your book has a lot more truth bombs.

Amber: it is called "Can We Talk: 10 Life Lessons on Finding Your Voice and Finding Yourself". and it's a personal development book on how to do just that. I wrote it during a time in my life when I was trying to figure life out and learning how to navigate womanhood on my own essentially.

There's these 10 separate lessons so each chapter is a lesson and I share things about my own experiences with learning how to find my way. There's a lesson on friendships and understanding that as you grow as a woman your friendships are gonna change and how to recognize a good friend, how to be a good friend, how to end a friendship when it's time.

I talk about finances and understanding the importance of making smart financial decisions.

I also share a lot of my own personal stories. I love to tell stories and so every chapter for each lesson starts out with a story, so in the finance chapter, I talk about how my husband was the very first person to teach me how to manage my money; I had no idea how to actually create a budget for myself until I was in my early to mid 20s because he took the time to figure out  because I didn't know; no one had ever taken the time to do that.

So I share a lot of those really personal examples. So far people have said that's really refreshing; they said my honesty is really refreshing because then they are able to see themselves in my story. Some other examples are just talking about my faith and how that played a role in shaping who I am today; my relationship with God and how it developed and what that means for me, how I navigate life and so throughout all of these different things and then deciding what you want out of life and going out and getting any kind of creating goals for yourself.

And understanding that the life you want to have, you got to do work, even as you're praying for things to happen, you have to do work. So that's what the book is about - I wanted to share my top 10 lessons of the world from my 20s, the decade of discovery when I was really discovering who I was, who I wanted to be and then putting in the work to become that woman.

Maggie: I love it. The book is available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. If our listeners want to connect with you more, where can they find you on social media?

Amber: I'm everywhere - I'm on the book, the bird, and the gram. that file on the website so I love consistently if this is the continuity so I would love it if someone hears this episode and something really rings true for them wherever you are on there too so you can send me a message on Facebook or tweet me a picture or tell me on Instagram and I will comment and that's the best way to reach me. I'm the most active on Instagram I'll say that I love Instagram.

Maggie: Thank you so much, Amber, I have learned so much from you. Thank you for all the truth bombs you have shared, you truly are amazing and an expert in communication so thank you.

Amber: Thank you for having me and I'm glad that we got the chance to do this today!